Black Widow

Full Disclosure: I am a very casual Marvel fan. I was raised as a DC boy, so that’s where my heart lies, but my lack of knowledge on the Marvel Universe as a whole has let me throughly enjoy and invest in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I am able to go into every new movie and every new character with a fairly blank slate, and not really care about how close or not close to the comics they are. All I want is a fun movie, and more often than not, Marvel makes fun movies. Thankfully, Black Widow is no exception.

Mild Spoilers for Black Widow to follow.

Black Widow takes place right after the events of Captain America: Civil War where the Avengers have essentially just broken up. Natasha Romanoff is hiding out when she inexplicably gets caught up with the current Black Widow program that she had long thought was shut down.

The idea of having Natasha going after the man behind the program that has ruined so many young women’s lives is a palpable one, but unfortunately nothing much comes from it, at least not emotionally. However, the movie more than makes up for it with the family dynamics of Natasha’s fake Russian spy family, featuring Florence Pugh as her sister and Rachel Weiz and David Harbour as her parents. Pugh is a recently freed Black Widow, Weiz is the engineer and planner of the group, and Harbour is the only Russian Super Soldier to ever exist.

The whole cast completely gels together, having both sincere interactions and hilariously inane and stupid arguments. Harbour easily gets the biggest and best laughs of the movie while also believably fucking some shit up from time to time. But Scarlett and Florence are the heart of the flick, with Pugh in particular standing out. She is just so present and intense and funny, often in the same scene. Her and Scarlett have a great back and forth, and I’m excited to see her pop up in the future elsewhere.

The stunt work of Black Widow is surprisingly practical. Don’t get me wrong, there is CGI out the wahzoo, but I was pleased to see real cars and motorcycles being driven and crashed, as well as real explosions and stunt people doing what they do best. OG stunts just hit different, baby. The fights are particularly gnarly here too, with Natasha both beating and being beaten harder than we’ve ever seen. There is one early fight between Natasha and her sister that had me flinching. It’s not John Wick level brutality, but for Marvel it was pretty cool.

The main physical threat here is The Task Master, the brutal lead henchman of the man behind the Black Widow Program. The Task Master has a mean as hell look to them, with a full face helmet giving a particularly cold and brutal vibe to the character. They beat the hell out of both Scarlett and Florence a few times over, making for a formidable physical challenge.

As for Scarlett, our girl kills it. She’s got this character down, and she handles the action and humor with grace and ease and really it’s nice to see her finally get her own movie, even if it’s not as emotional or cathartic for the character as it should have been.

That’s a minor quibble though, as Black Widow is a very satisfying entry into the MCU, albeit one of the more low key ones. But still, it was just nice to see a new Marvel movie again. I get it if these flicks aren’t your thing, but if they are, then you are going to have a great time with Black Widow.

F9: The Fast Saga

When it comes to The Fast & The Furious franchise, I am all in. I am in particular awe of the journey this series has taken, starting with simple street races and a little VCR thievery to actual space travel in this latest entry. The degree of reality breaking has gone up a staggering amount, and somehow I just accept it all. These movies know exactly they are, and have never for one second pretended otherwise. I love that so much. I also love how much of a soap opera it has become, with dead characters coming back to life on the regular and family secrets coming to haunt you at every corner. Quite simply, I just love this big, dumb, ridiculous franchise, and F9 is a solid entry to the ongoing Fast Saga.

Spoilers for F9 to follow.

The main plot this time around is we find out that a) Dom has a brother b) He is John Cena c) He is after a thing that can do bad things to all things so Dom and team have to stop him and d) Helen Mirren can drive too. We also get Charlize Theron doing a lot of standing and a little bit of walking here and there. Four stars.

OK really, the truth is F9 is easily a lesser entry in the franchise. Director Justin Lin, who helmed F&F 3-6, returns, but screenwriter Chris Morgan, who penned 3-8, doesn’t. It turns out Morgan’s particular insight to this ridiculously conceived world was crucial, even in the worst of entries, and as such F9 feels ever so slightly like a shadow of its formal self. The flip side to that coin is that it took 9 entries to even get a whiff of that kind of fatigue, which is rather impressive when most tend to putter out around 2 or 3 entires.

Even with Morgan gone though, director Lin has a strong enough grasp of the franchise that he keeps it all together. The return of Lin also means a renewed focus on practical stunts, and Lin makes sure to put an absurd amount of cars crashing, blowing up and being pulled through stores by magnets, all in camera baby. It’s a beautiful thing to see.

The set pieces this time around never get as absurd as I’d wish, but the magnet gag deployed throughout the film is cool and unique enough that it satisfies, if not full on impresses. Though an early moment in the film with Dom swinging his vehicle with a rope from a bridge to evade capture was bonkers.

I think what’s really missing from this entry in the sense of camaraderie amongst the characters. The idea of family has been so important and seemingly genuine throughout the series, beginning with Fast Five especially, but here it feels a bit like an afterthought. Don’t get me wrong, they mention it a lot, but it’s glossed over. And I get it, it should be understood at this point, you know? FAMILY. That’s what these guys are all about. But it just doesn’t feel as genuine here.

It doesn’t help that franchise favorite The Rock didn’t return this go round either, leaving a planet size hole of charisma that only he can fill. Everyone else is doing what they’ve been doing for years, with only Kurt Russell and the previously mentioned Mirren being the only ones seemingly having any fun.

John Cena really does try his damnedest though. Every time I see this guy on screen he is giving 110%. Unfortunately, his dynamic doesn’t fit as well as you’d think, as he makes for a pretty bland antagonist. Don’t get me wrong, I love Cena. I think he is particularly good at comedy in a way no one saw coming (he looks like a perfect fit in the upcoming The Suicide Squad), but he just doesn’t have the same intensity to match big head Diesel. But like I said, he tries his best.

Probably the most disappointing thing about F9 is its handling of the return of Han, the beloved character who supposedly died at the end of Tokyo Drift at the hands of Jason Statham. I won’t spoil the explanation, but it’s without a doubt the laziest and lamest reveal of the entire series so far. Though the post credits scene infers that they will be dealing with this situation head on in the next entry, so time will tell if this particular plot line can be redeemed.

I know it seems like I’m coming down hard on this flick, but truthfully I very much enjoyed it. I just have high expectations when it comes to these movies, and I sometimes have a bit of an issue managing those expectations, as such, I often see my opinion go from slightly lukewarm to in love with each successive viewing. I slowly fall in love with what the movie is, instead of crying for what I wanted it to be . For example, it took three viewings of The Fate of the Furious for me to accept it as the enjoyable insanity that it is (The Rock does force a torpedo into a new direction with his bare hand, after all).

What’s most important is F9 entertained me throughout. You most likely know by now if you’re into these movies or not. If you’re not, F9 will do nothing to change your mind. And if you are, F9 will do nothing to change your mind.

Army of the Dead

I like Zack Snyder. Overall I thought his DC output was thoroughly interesting and unexpected if not wholly successful (thoughts on BvS here and his Justice League here), but I was god damn delighted when it was announced that his first non DC movie in a decade was gonna be about Dave Bautista and a ragtag group of bad asses breaking into a zombie infested Las Vegas to steal a bunch of money before the town gets nuked to Kingdom Come.

Perfect. I’m all in. Totally ready for Snyder to just deliver some high priced trash directly to my brain.

Unfortunately Snyder delivers a weird, uneven and bloated zombie heist flick that highlights his own weaknesses rather than his strengths and the movie ultimately proves to be the one thing I thought Snyder didn’t know how to be; boring.

Spoilers for Army of the Dead to follow.

After a short but intense prologue showing how exactly this army of the dead got started, Snyder dives right into an exposition filled montage for the opening credits. The director’s penchant for Choices is on full display here, with odd music cues and the editing going back and forth between each character’s story and them posing with pictures of their dead loved ones. It’s weird, yes, but this is good kind of weird that Snyder excels at, and the director quickly establishes the over the top tone for this world and to his credit never strays from it either.

The plot goes as such: casino owner Bly Tanaka (Hiroyuki Sanada) wants Bautista to gather a team of mercenaries to break into his abandoned business to take back the $200 million that is sitting in the vault. Granted, Tanaka has already been reimbursed that money thanks to insurance, but like all casino owners, he wants what is his. In return, Bautista and crew can split $50 million if they get the job done.

It’s a simple enough heist premise, and with the added zombie element it really doesn’t need to get more complicated than that (and thankfully it doesn’t). All Snyder has to do is give us a crew to root for (with maybe a few people to hate as well) and show us some glorious mayhem that I know he can deliver with his eyes closed.

Unfortunately, the script (co-written by Snyder, based on his own story) gives us nothing but one note characters, and most of the unknown (at least to me) cast can’t do anything to make me care about them, and so when many of them meet their demise, the moment falls flat.

What’s worse is that Snyder takes his sweet ass time introducing all these characters and setting up plot that ultimately doesn’t matter. The movie only starts to enter Vegas about 45 minutes in, and it was clear that at least 20 minutes could have already been cut. I think this is my biggest beef with the movie. It has a final runtime of 148 minutes (!) and if Snyder had cut at least 30 minutes I think this would be a fun, fast paced, don’t think about it too much kind of heist flick. But I mean, Snyder did deliver a 4 hour cut of Justice League, so maybe that’s on me.

It’s not all bad though! Dave Bautista is great. He has been great for a while now, from his hilarious turn as Drax in the MCU to his absolutely haunting cameo in Blade Runner 2049 (I’m so stoked to see him return to play with Villeneuve in Dune). His character has the best storyline in the movie, and Bautista milks it for all its worth, delivering the emotional beats with genuine heartache. He’s also unafraid to show his age, as his badass character is constantly reaching for his reading glasses. It’s a small touch, but Bautista sells it.

Tig Notaro also stands out as the crew’s helicopter pilot. Notaro famously replaced that dipshit comedian who rightfully got cancelled and it’s an upgrade in every way. Notaro is hilarious every second they’re on screen, and I honestly hope it leads to more work outside of straight comedy roles, because Notaro fits into this ragtag ensemble like a glove.

Of course, if Garret Dillahunt is in a movie or show, the quality automatically jumps 10%. Dillahunt is one of those “That Guy” actors. He has been in so much over the last 15 years that it’s impossible to say where one might recognize him from (Deadwood? No Country for Old Men? The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford? Raising Hope?). Dillahunt can play menacing, cold, funny, tough, wimpy all at the drop of a hat. Here, he is in scumbag mode, and nobody does it better.

Like Romero before him, Snyder explores the notion of a Smart Zombie in Army of the Dead, and for the most part it’s pretty cool! It’s not outright stated in the film, but the first zombie, henceforth known as Zombie Daddy, isn’t exactly a zombie. He is some kind of super undead thing. If he bites someone, they also become a super smart and fast zombie, but if anyone else bites anyone, they just become regular ol’ slow walking zombies.

But the cool thing about Zombie Daddy and his army is that apparently him and his army are getting smarter. Bautista and his mercenaries discover that they must sacrifice one of their crew in order for the smart zombies to let them into their territory. Oh and also, Zombie Daddy is actually about to become a zombie daddy, as his bride (!) is most definitely pregnant. Like I said, this stuff is pretty cool. Snyder is unafraid to get weird with the proceedings, but it also felt like he could have gone further with it, especially since Netflix apparently gives cartè blanche to its filmmakers.

The one thing that really surprises me though is how sub par the action is in Army of the Dead. Love him or hate him, I don’t think you can accuse Snyder of not knowing how to film an action scene. I mean, this is what the dude excels at. Now, the fight choreography is on point and all the actors and stunt performers do a great job, but it all feels so unexciting and kind of boring. Apparently Snyder was his own cinematographer this time around, and it seems this was one job too many for the director. The action feels so flat its shocking. Purely mediocre. What’s even worse is that the movie overall just doesn’t look very good, with weird focus and blurry images abound for reasons I can’t quite fathom. Normally I’m all about Snyder making weird choices, aesthetic or otherwise, but it simply does not work here.

I’m really not happy to write this, because I genuinely like Snyder’s work. He is a director who likes to make big choices, no matter the movie, and typically it’s worth watching even if the project isn’t entirely successful. Granted, I don’t think Army of the Dead is straight up terrible. It’s a great showcase for Bautista, who is getting better and better with each role, and Snyder does have fun with zombie lore thanks to Zombie Daddy, but overall the movie just doesn’t have anything to really get excited about. It’s weird, but not weird enough. There’s action, but it’s nothing to write home about. There are a lot of characters, but only one or two worth caring about. In the end, Army of the Dead is simply OK, and that sucks.

Mortal Kombat

Spoilers for Mortal Kombat to follow.

Like many of you, I was the perfect age for Mortal Kombat when it came out in theaters in 1995. I loved the games and was stoked for the movie, and to my 9 year old brain it was everything I wanted and more. Nostalgia does a lot of heavy lifting when I watch it now, but I also genuinely believe it’s a fun video game movie that knows exactly what it is and has plenty of fun with its ridiculous premise and characters.

So, how does Mortal Kombat’ 21 fare?

Well, let’s talk the negative first. The fight sequences aren’t as mind blowing as the trailers would have you believe, there are choices made by the filmmakers that are straight up baffling (there is one scene in particular where Sonya Blade demands to see another characters mortal kombat birth mark that’s on his chest, and when he lowers the collar of his shirt the birthmark is almost completely covered up by the shirt still. Did no one say to the actors “hey we can’t see the thing, let’s do another take”?) and most of the acting is just straight up bad. Oh, and there is no actual tournament in MK’21, just some babble about the bad guys wanting to skip to the end and claim victory over Earth.

But you know what? I really didn’t mind any of it. I wasn’t expecting something “fucking awesome” per se, and a lot of these weird choices add to the film’s overall charm (it didn’t hurt that I watched this with 5 of my very best and vaccinated friends with proper inebriates assisting). The film’s limited budget also means we get some cool practical effects and costumes, which I’m always about, but even some of the CG sequences aren’t so bad (Sub-Zero’s ice knife looks legit and cool AF). MK’21 also moves at a brisk ass pace, forcing the viewer to just go along with the silliness instead of thinking about it too much. High class low rent filmmaking at its best really. Also, every time the movie sneaks in classic video game lines like “Flawless Victory!” or ”Kano Wins!” the results are laugh out loud great. Oh, and the gore is quite good.

“I get it, Jordan! It’s so bad it’s good!” No. I don’t really like that way of thinking when it comes to movies. Ridiculous is a better word for it, I think, which to me is most definitely a compliment.

So we have a Mortal Kombat movie with no mortal kombat tournament, fight sequences that leave a lot to be desired, and some genuinely questionable filmmaking choices. But shit, I just can’t be mad at this movie though. I had fun! I had a lot of fun, and truthfully, what the hell else do you want from a movie called Mortal Kombat?

Superman: The Movie

I don’t remember the first time I saw Superman: The Movie. As far as I can tell, it’s just always been there in my life, existing as one of my favorite movies of all time. Between seeing this and Tim Burton’s Batman as a kid, my love for superheroes was forever cemented in my manboy brain, but Superman: The Movie, and more specifically Christopher Reeve’s performance, to this day stands tall as the best on screen version of Superman, and my personal favorite interpretation of the character.

Spoilers for Superman: The Movie to follow.

The movie opens with a child’s voiceover detailing the heroic reputation of The Daily Planet during the Great Depression. ”A great metropolitan newspaper whose reputation for clarity and truth had become a symbol of hope for the entire community!” By using a child’s simple yet accurate description, director Richard Donner (Lethal Weapon, The Goonies) deftly establishes the films themes of truth, justice and hope within seconds, and then immediately throws us into the opening credits sequence that is led by John Williams now iconic score. It’s a joyous opening for a film that is already brimming with positive vibes.

Donner then takes us through the destruction of Krypton, Kal-El crash landing on Earth and learning important lessons from his adoptive parents, Jonathon and Martha Kent, and then his arrival in 1970s Metropolis as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter. Donner perfectly captures the Man of Steel’s origins in this first act. The Krypton sequence alone is a beautifully realized tragedy, filmed with gorgeous miniatures and other various old school effect tricks that live within the film. The practical effects add a sense of wonder and awe to the planet’s destruction; it feels like a real, living environment instead of CGI backgrounds.

Marlon Brando pops up for a few minutes in this section as Jor-El, father to Kal-El AKA Superman. Despite the actors notorious diva like behavior behind the scenes, his presence no doubt adds gravitas to this comic book world (this film was one of the first, if not THE first, comic book movies to truly be taken seriously by Hollywood).

But for me, the movie really begins to take flight (!) when we see Kal-El, now known as Clark, in his high school years in Smallville. This sequence only lasts maybe 5 minutes, but it’s the most poignant in the whole movie. Clark, frustrated that he can’t use his abilities in sports to make high school bully Brad shut the hell up, gets a pep talk from his adoptive father. Clark asks, “Is it showing off if a person is doing the things he’s capable of doing? Is a bird showing off if it flies?” It’s a question that any teenager chomping at the bit to be an adult and do all the things they want to do would ask. Pa Kent responds with, “No, no. Now, you listen to me. When you first came to us, we thought people would come and take you away because, when they found out, you know, the things you could do... and that worried us a lot. But then a man gets older, and he starts thinking differently and things get very clear. And one thing I do know, son, and that is you are here for a *reason*. I don't know whose reason, or whatever the reason is... Maybe it's because... uh... I don't know. But I do know one thing. It's *not* to score touchdowns. Huh?” After this quality exchange, the father and son then share a nice moment before Clark challenges his Dad to a race as Clark takes off running to the barn and Jonathan follows, only to collapse seconds later of a heart attack.

This is the biggest chunk of screen time legendary actor Glenn Ford has in the movie, but he nails this short monologue so hard and so well that we don’t need anymore time with him to understand the impact he has on the Man of Steel. Once again, Donner is gliding through this origin with skill and efficiency, milking each moment for all that it’s worth.

After the funeral, Clark begins his journey of self discovery and the creation of the Fortress of Solitude, a smaller version of Krypton right here on Earth made from crystals that Jor-El sent with Kal-El on his journey to this planet. Included is an A.I. version of Jor-El that will help Superman learn not only about his history but the human race as well. It’s an incredible sequence that glosses over years of lessons between the two, one of which is that Jor-El spends an entire year teaching his son about the complexities of the human heart. This is one of my absolute favorite tidbits in the movie, as it explains the empathy, understanding and care Christopher Reeve’s Superman has for his adoptive planet and its people.

Reeve’s performance echoes those teachings every second he’s on screen, whether it’s as Clark or Superman. I think that’s a big reason why this performance has endured as long as it has; Reeve shows us that this all powerful God who can easily take the world as his throne instead CHOOSES empathy. He decides to show the human race what genuine goodness is in hopes of inspiring others to do the same. It’s something so simple yet it feels utterly profound to me, especially since we’re living in a reality where it’s abundantly clear that people don’t want to help or care for others, especially if it’s inconvenient for them.

For me, the Boy Scout quality of Superman is part of what makes him so endearing and inspiring, and Reeve brings that to life in a way only he could. I love watching him help people, whether it’s stopping crime or grabbing a cat out of a tree, I love it. Watching him in this role digs up my inner optimist, something I didn’t think was possible after the hell scape the past year has been.

It should also be mentioned that the rest of the cast is equally entertaining to watch. Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor is one of Hackman’s funniest performances. Margot Kidder is THE perfect Lois Lane (and her chemistry with Reeve is the real fucking deal) and of course Ned Beatty, Valerie Perrine, Jackie Cooper and Marc McClure are all note perfect.

The film as a whole, however, is not. The much maligned ending has Superman rewinding time so he can save Lois Lane, who died after he failed to rescue her in time. It’s a choice that strips away the stakes the film had been setting up this entire time and more than anything I just find it to be very lame, especially for a movie that is anything but.

At this point though I’ve long come to terms with the ending, and thankfully the rest of the movie is so good it almost doesn’t matter anyway. Besides, this movie gave us Christopher Reeve’s Superman, and in the end that’s all that matters.